


"There's blood on my/your hands."

by markonasurface (idwir)



Series: 50 Quote Prompts [5]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Depression, Homophobic Language, M/M, by jack, it's always jack, obviously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-11
Updated: 2018-05-11
Packaged: 2019-05-05 09:47:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14615676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idwir/pseuds/markonasurface
Summary: The year after his 19th birthday, the other team decides to recreate the bloody locker scene complete with a ‘Happy Birthday, Jr.’ Instead of stuffing everything down, Neil has a complete freak out and sinks into a depression.





	"There's blood on my/your hands."

Neil laughed at something Matt said and pulled open his locker. He felt a bit of resistance and heard a pop and was overwhelmed with the sense of deja vu.

Blood pooled around his feet and he immediately choked on the smell. The roaring in his ears made it hard for him to hear his teammates. He couldn’t hear Matt calling his name.

“No,” Neil uttered. Ice filled his chest. He grabbed his jersey just as someone grabbed his elbow. He managed to pull out of their grasp but slipped and fell to his knees. “No, no.”

He gagged and choked and tried to pull everything from his locker into his arms. He felt an arm around his chest and instinctually shoved an elbow back.

* * *

 

Everyone in the locker room heard the pop as Neil opened his locker. It was the loud gasp that drew their eyes toward him though.

Kevin, Nicky, Andrew, Aaron and Matt all waited a second to see how Neil would react. The three freshmen started shouting.

“What the hell?”

“Whose blood is it?”

“Neil?”

When Neil lurched forward, Matt reacted. He reached out to try to grab Neil’s arm much in the same way he did last year when this happened. Neil jerked and Matt lost his grip.

They watched as he desperately tried to grab what he could, a lost cause. He retched and Matt wrapped his arms around his chest to try to get him away from the mess but Neil’s elbow came back hitting his nose.

Last year, Neil had reacted similarly at first but was able to pull himself together to try to keep his secrets a little longer. Now that everything was all out in the open, he was giving into this panic attack.

“Go get Coach, Nicky,” Andrew said, already walking over to where Matt was struggling to keep a grip on Neil. “Let him go.”

Matt did as he was told and Neil immediately went back to his locker, repeating one word over and over until he was just gasping for breath. He fell onto his butt, holding his jersey and Andrew crouched next to him. He put a hand on the back of Neil’s neck and forced his head to his knees.

He kept gasping.

“Breathe, you idiot,” Andrew said and fell to his knees when Neil’s hands grasped at his, his jersey still clutched in one.

Wymack entered the locker room then and said, ”Get your things and wait outside the girls’ locker room.”

Andrew ignored him and told Neil again, “Fucking breathe, Neil.”

He let out a dry sob and Andrew repeated, “Breathe, dammit,” impatience leaking into his tone.

Finally, Neil gasped a shuddery breath. Each subsequent breath was less harsh and less ragged but sounded just as painful. He coughed once.

He tried to lift his head and Andrew let him. He kept both hands grasped around the one hand that had been on his neck.

Neil looked haunted as he said, “There’s blood on my hands.”

Andrew used two fingers to push Neil’s chin up so he would stop staring at his hands.

“Neil?” Wymack stepped closer.

He obediently looked up at his name. His eyes were wide and unblinking.

“Are you okay?”

Even if Wymack always worried about his Foxes, it was rare to see the concern worn so blatantly on his face. Neil shook his head. He opened his mouth but nothing came out.

“I’ll call security. We’ll cancel the game. Both of you go shower. Kevin went to get clothes for you guys and Matt.”

Andrew waited for Wymack to leave before he pulled Neil up as he stood. He had to pry himself from Neil’s grip. He pushed him gently and Neil unsteadily put one foot in front of the other.

He stopped abruptly and Andrew stopped just in time to avoid banging into him from behind. He looked up at what he was staring at and kept his hands on Neil’s shoulders to guide him past the familiar “Happy birthday, Jr,” written in blood on the wall.

“It’s not my birthday,” Neil murmured absently.

Andrew turned the water on, then pulled Neil underneath. At first the water was deep red as it swirled around their feet and Neil couldn’t stop watching it.

“Stop it.” It was a demand and Neil was usually so good at following Andrew’s reasonable demands. Tonight, he just looked at Andrew, unable to wipe the wide-eyed shock from his features.

“Yes?” Andrew lifted the hem of Neil’s shirt and he nodded. He slowly helped him undress, waiting for consent every step of the way.

He ran a hand through Neil’s hair and used a thumb to rub at the blood on his forehead and the back of his neck. He used soap to wash his hair and his body. Then he repeated the process two more times, hoping that would be enough.

A knock on the stall door made Neil jump.

“It’s me.” Kevin’s voice was quiet but angry. He paused briefly then said, “I brought extra towels.”

Andrew put a hand on the side of Neil’s neck and told him, “I’m giving you to Kevin, okay?”

Neil couldn’t find his voice but he looked straight into Andrew’s eyes. The corners of Andrew’s mouth turned down when he noticed the shock had finally subsided to complete exhaustion. “Hand me a towel,” Andrew told Kevin and waited for him to drop it over the door. He wrapped it around Neil under his armpits and opened the door. “I’ll be out in a few minutes.”

Neil stood in front of Kevin. He seemed to look through him. Kevin held clothes out to Neil but he didn’t take it. His eyebrows raised slightly but he didn’t say anything. He draped a towel over the stall door, then guided him back toward the lockers and took him to a corner where he wouldn’t be able to see the blood.

Still, he glimpsed a flash of red and imagined he could smell it - metallic and smoke and burning - and gagged.

Using another towel, Kevin dried Neil’s shoulders and rubbed his hair. He slipped an extra baggy long sleeved shirt over Neil’s head and over the towel still wrapped around him.

He handed him boxers, sweatpants, socks and shoes. “I’ll help you if you want,” Kevin spoke to him in French and Neil’s eyes finally snapped into focus. Shock returned to his face but just as quickly his features melted back into dazed as he reminded himself that he wasn’t in the Ravens’ locker room; he was surrounded by orange. Jean wasn’t putting him back together; Kevin was helping him get dressed. He nodded.

Kevin was gentle but firm and first he pulled Neil’s boxers over his feet, then got him to stand to pull them up the rest of the way. Only then did he pull the towel off from under Neil’s shirt.

Andrew came around the corner fully dressed and watched Kevin put on Neil’s socks and shoes. Without turning he said, “The team is playing tonight.”

He stood up and faced Andrew. “Coach checked the surveillance tapes and it was definitely Breckenridge players. We’re going to beat them, then we’re going to call security and have them make an official report. You two go home.”

“But -” Neil choked out.

Kevin looked at him expectantly. When he didn’t continue he said, “If you want to go out there, I won’t stop you tonight. But you and I both know you’re not in the right state to play.”

He waited for Neil to at least protest Andrew leaving but he didn’t. “I’ll see you guys at home.”

* * *

 

Andrew pressed his back against the wall. He wouldn’t get much sleep sharing a bed with Neil but he would stay as long as Neil needed him to.

The first day, it was noon when there was a knock on their door. Andrew listened and heard Kevin putting his headphones on the desk before answering the door.

The voices were too muffled for him to understand what they were saying but not even a minute later the door closed again. A couple of hours passed and he heard Kevin answer the door again. The conversation lasted a little longer this time until eventually there was a soft knock on the bedroom door before it was pushed open.

Andrew sat up as Matt, Dan, Renee and Allison came into the room. The blinds were drawn but gray light still made its way into the room. They could see Neil staring blankly at nothing.

The upperclassmen had brought balloons and a cake which was set on a dresser. Dan got onto her knees and spoke quietly. “Hey, Neil.” She pushed his hair off of his forehead. Her touch was soft and light. “Happy birthday. We know you have Andrew but we wanted to remind you that the rest of us are here if you need us.”

She met Andrew’s eyes and held his gaze for a moment. She stood and the other three followed her out.

Kevin answered the door three more times that day but only allowed one other person in to see Neil.

Coach Wymack sat on the edge of Kevin’s bed and sighed. “We won 8-5. While the game was going on security took a look at the locker room and got fingerprints. The Jackals have been disqualified.”

They spent all of Saturday and Sunday unmoving. Monday came and Neil still didn’t get out of bed. Kevin, Aaron and Nicky had to ride in the back of Matt’s truck to morning practice.

“One of you needs to shower, Andrew.”

Kevin waited til he heard the shower turn on before coming to stand next to the bunk bed. He leaned down and asked, “What’s going on?”

Neil stared back at him, dark circles under his eyes.

“What do you need?”

Kevin sighed. He waited for Neil to answer. “Neil.” He waited a few more minutes. He sat with his back to the bed.

“I want to die.” Neil’s voice was hoarse from disuse.

The room suddenly felt too cold. His blood ran cold. Kevin’s eyebrows furrowed and he said, “Get up. You’re coming to the court tonight.”

He stood and pulled Neil’s blankets off of him as the bathroom door opened and Andrew reentered the room. “Get up.”

Kevin turned to their goalie. “He needs this, Andrew.”

It might’ve been his tone or the look in his eyes or just the knowledge that he was right but Andrew didn’t argue. He grabbed Neil’s arm and sat him up. “Let’s go.”

Jack was outside the room and he looked more surprised than annoyed when he saw Neil and Andrew with Kevin. “You can’t come tonight,” Kevin told him.

“You guys said I can come to Monday night practices,” Jack argued.

“Not this one,” Kevin stated, not unkindly but without any remorse or sympathy. He walked past Jack and headed to the stairwell.

In the car, Kevin handed them both water bottles. “Drink,” he commanded. “You’re both probably dehydrated.”

He stopped them in the lounge and they all sat. Kevin dug out a bag and gave each of them individually wrapped sandwiches. “Eat.”

Andrew peeled off the saran wrap and lifted his eyes to give Kevin a look. The sandwich was cut in a grid, twenty-five bite-sized pieces.

Kevin crossed his arms over his chest and stared for five minutes before Neil finally took a bite. He only took two more bites after that but Kevin deemed it enough and allowed them to continue to the locker room to change out.

* * *

 

“Where’re the fags?” Jack questioned when Aaron, Nicky and Kevin arrived with the upperclassmen again the next morning.

“Hey,” Wymack said.

“They came to the court last night with Kevin,” Jack’s tone was accusatory.

Kevin shrugged and Nicky answered, “They didn’t want to see your homophobic ass. We barely made it here ourselves; the thought of seeing your ugly face made us want to light ourselves on fire.”

“I thought practices were mandatory,” Sheena complained.

“They are,” Wymack said. “Minyard will be at afternoon practice today.”

“What about -”

Wymack held a hand up. “Attendance is between me and each of you individually. Stay out of it. Mind your own business.”

The freshmen shut their mouths at that and he said, “Hurry up and change out. Stop wasting my time. Last person to the court is being signed up for a marathon. Kevin.”

They waited until everyone else had filed out before Wymack told Kevin, “Dan’s worried. She didn’t like the look in Neil’s eyes and I don’t disagree with her. What do you think?”

Kevin studied his face and considered. He pursed his lips looking conflicted, then admitted, “I don’t understand it. Ten years fighting to stay alive and last night he tells me he wants to die.” 

“But he came to court with you?”

“Yeah.”

“And?”

“It took him awhile to get into it. He was weak. Andrew put in no effort and Neil still didn’t score on him.”

Wymack allowed himself a minute to think. “Have they been eating?”

“No. I made them both drink water and eat something before we began but Neil only took a few bites.”

He was silent, thinking over the new information. “Okay, then. You remind Neil that Andrew needs to eat and I’ll call Betsy.”

* * *

 

“I thought you said the psychotic midget would be here,” Jack couldn’t leave things alone.

Wymack glared. “What did I say? Mind your own damn business. Go run some laps until I tell you guys to stop.”

After what Kevin had told him, Wymack decided it was better if Neil wasn’t left alone. Better safe than sorry. He had called both Betsy and Abby and made arrangements for Neil so that at least Andrew would be able to start coming to practice and going to classes by Thursday.

When Wednesday Neil and Andrew skipped both morning and afternoon practices again, Wymack came to see them. “You have an appointment with Betsy tomorrow at six. Andrew can drop you off on his way to morning practice. If you don’t go, she’s coming here. You can spend the day in her office or go to class. It’s up to you. Abby will be by at three.” He stood up to leave and said, “Eat something, would ya both?”

* * *

 

Kevin’s alarm woke them up as it did every morning. He didn’t look at their bed as he pulled a shirt over his head and started putting on his shoes with his eyes closed.

He walked out of the bedroom and they could hear the suite’s door open.

Andrew crawled over Neil and started putting on his socks when footsteps started down the hall again. Kevin stuck his head into the room. “Coming?”

Andrew fixed him with a bored look as he tugged on his shoes. He looked down at his feet before he stood up. “No.”

“Coach said -”

“Leave already.”

Kevin walked away and slammed the suite door behind him.

When Andrew was satisfied he wasn’t coming back, he dragged the covers off of Neil and tossed his shoes onto the floor beside his bed. He went over and yanked Neil into a sitting position and stared until he put his feet in his shoes.

He followed Andrew out and down the stairs to the parking lot. They didn’t speak as Andrew drove him to Reddin. Neil hadn’t spoken to anyone, even Andrew in the past week.

He pulled up to the curb and looked at Neil. After a couple minutes he got out and went around to open the passenger side door and pull Neil to his feet. He walked him in and past the check in desk, down the hall to where Betsy’s door was open.

Betsy smiled. “Andrew, Neil, hello. I’m glad you’re here. Are you staying?”

“No. I’ll be back after practice though,” Andrew said.

“Hot cocoa?” Betsy offered both of them.

“Later,” Andrew said. He turned to look at Neil and tugged his coat off of his arms. He pushed him to sit on the couch and dropped his coat by his feet. He left without another word.

“Cocoa?” she offered Neil again. He didn’t respond. All he did was stare at the ground by Betsy’s feet.

He startled when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked up at Betsy, confused. “Go ahead and lie down,” she encouraged. “You were about to tip forward.”

Neil could tell Betsy was put off by his face. She wasn’t used to him without a fake smile or guarded expression. He couldn’t find the energy to try.

“It’s quite early,” she smiled. “Perhaps we can talk later. My schedule is all cleared today.” He curled up on the couch and let Betsy place a blanket over him.

He drifted in and out of consciousness until Betsy’s office door slammed open. Neil didn’t bother to look at who was there.

“Hi, Kevin,” Betsy looked and sounded surprised.

Kevin stood in front of Neil and he recognized the furious and frustrated look on his face. “You don’t want to get up for yourself?” He glared. “Fine. But your boyfriend refused to leave your side for the past week. He hasn’t eaten, he’s barely drank water, and he hasn’t gotten much sleep either.

“Sheena scored on him at practice today. She’s a backliner!” Kevin hissed. “Then he passed out in the middle of our scrimmage.”

Neil heard Betsy make a sound but he only furrowed his brows in confusion. He knew he should feel something and he did, but it was muted.

“Is he okay?” Betsy asked.

Kevin’s eyes didn’t leave Neil. “Don’t  _you_  want to know?”

“Kevin, please, tell us,” Betsy said quietly.

He made a disgusted sound and finally turned to look at their therapist. “He’ll be fine. He’s hooked up to an IV right now. He needs to start taking care of himself or he’ll make himself sick.”

He spun on his heel and closed the door harder than necessary on his way out.

Neil closed his eyes and took an unsteady breath. He frowned when it felt like no air had gotten to his lungs. He tried again and again, clutching at the pillow in his arms.

“Neil?”

Betsy hurried over and forced him into a sitting position. She pried the pillow out of his arms and he grasped one of her hands too hard.

She put a hand on his back and pushed until he leaned forward, his head resting on his knees. “Breathe, Neil. Come on. I know you can do it.”

He couldn’t. His vision was already spotting and his lungs burned.

He didn’t hear the knock on the door or Betsy’s panicked, “We’re busy!” or the gruff, “It’s me.”

He did feel the hard thump on his back and the first harsh woosh of air to his lungs and the sharp tingling sensation in his throat as his breathing slowed. Finally, he could hear over the thudding of his heart and hands pulled him so he was leaning back against the couch cushion.

“Jesus, you’re blue,” Wymack said.

Neil closed his eyes, exhausted.

“You still with us?”

Neil opened his eyes to slits and closed them again.

“I saw Kevin running away from here so I assume he told you about Andrew?”

“He did,” Betsy responded.

Wymack walked around the couch to look at Neil. “You both need to start taking care of yourselves, Neil.”

Neil kept his eyes closed. Tears leaked out the corners.

“Abby will be by later.” He patted Neil’s knee before leaving.

* * *

 

Abby gently prodded Neil awake and led him to her car. Although the drive to Fox Tower was short, she had to wake him again when she parked.

He was unsteady on his feet and Abby grabbed his arm to make sure he didn’t slip on ice. She didn’t let go until they were inside his suite and he was sitting on a beanbag chair.

“Do you want to watch something?” There was a forced normalcy to her voice.

Neil closed his eyes. He heard Abby sink into the other beanbag chair and sigh.

“Will you order food for Andrew?” It hurt his throat. Speaking after a week of silence.

He knew without looking Abby was stunned. She tripped over her words in her excitement, “Yes, of course.”

With that he drifted back into unconsciousness.

Andrew and Kevin came home a bit after eight.

“Will you be able to play tomorrow?”

“I don’t know,” Andrew responded, bored. “Maybe they’ll just let me study for eight hours instead of practicing again.”

Kevin stopped and took in the scene before him. Abby had set up their take out containers in front of the beanbags. She had already made herself and Neil plates and had set two empty plates across from them.

“Hi, guys.” She waved. “Join us?”

Neither of them said anything but they sat down across from Neil and Abby. She asked them a few questions while they sorted the food onto their plates. Abby had only put rice and plain chicken on Neil’s plate, explaining that hopefully the bland food wouldn’t upset his stomach but let Andrew grab whatever he wanted.

They sat in silence as Abby and Kevin ate. It took Neil awhile to realize Andrew was waiting for him to start eating before doing so himself. He forced a bite of rice into his mouth and chewed slowly, resisting the urge to spit it out and go to bed. Only when he swallowed did Andrew start tearing his food into messy pieces.

There was a loud knock on the door and Abby immediately put her plate aside to go answer it. Allison strode in and put her hands on her hips.

“I’m not driving the rest of the monsters to practice anymore,” she said. “Either you can bring them since you’re coming to practice now, or they can sit in the snow in Matt’s truck bed.”

“Hm,” Andrew replied and Allison glared before leaving them.

He piled more food on his plate and pulled it to pieces before stuffing it in his mouth.

“Slow down,” Kevin warned him.

“First you want me to eat and now you want me to stop. Make up your mind, Kevin.”

“You’re impossible.”

Andrew stared Kevin down as he finished his second plate, daring him to say something else. Neil continued pushing his food around, taking the occasional bite whenever he noticed either of them giving him an expectant look.

Abby left an hour later. When Kevin grabbed his keys and headed for the door, Andrew and Neil followed. He raised an eyebrow but said nothing.

They only made it down the stairs before Andrew hastily pushed open the door and dinner made a reappearance on the sidewalk. He straightened and wiped his mouth on the back of his sleeve, then continued to his car, refusing to acknowledge Kevin’s condescending look that screamed, ‘I told you so.’

Outside of the Foxes’ Exy stadium, Kevin and Neil watched him vomit again.

“Don’t puke on the court,” Kevin said.

Andrew went straight to the bathroom so Kevin and Neil changed out and started their night practice without him.

The next morning when Kevin’s alarm went off, Andrew climbed over Neil and pulled on his socks, shoes and coat before forcing Neil out of bed. They followed Kevin into the hallway and Andrew locked the door behind them.

“Neil?” Dan stepped toward them looking a bit relieved.

That got the others’ attention and they all turned to look at him. Andrew grabbed the back of his coat and he didn’t know whether it was to stop him from going back inside or to make sure he didn’t fall on his unsteady feet.

“You look like shit,” someone said. “Ow.”

Matt retracted his elbow from someone’s ribs and smiled tiredly at Neil. “Good to see you.”

Aaron rolled his eyes and walked past everyone to the stairwell. Kevin, Nicky, and Andrew pushing Neil, followed without another word. The others realized they should go, too, and the sound of fifteen pairs of feet echoed on the stairs.

“Ugh,” Aaron stopped walking and the others bumped into each other. He had stepped in a mess of regurgitated noodles and meat.

Andrew said nothing and guided Neil around Aaron while the others voiced their disgust. Kevin was close behind.

Andrew only waited for Aaron to finish cleaning his shoe off in the snow before starting his car, forcing Nicky and Aaron to run if they didn’t want to be left behind. “Are you guys playing tonight?” Nicky asked and Kevin flicked him an irritated look.

Neil pretended to doze until they got to Reddin. Andrew left the car running as he escorted Neil to Betsy’s office.

There was a genuine smile on her face when she saw Andrew. “You look like you’re doing better.”

He didn’t acknowledge her comment and spoke as if she hadn’t said anything at all. “I’ll be back after practice.”

Neil sat down.

“Would you like to talk today?” Betsy asked.

He reclined back and Betsy said, “Hm.”

She got up and placed a blanket over him.

* * *

 

When they joined the others on the court, Wymack fixed them with a disgusted look. “If you’re puking, go to sleep. Don’t come practice for an extra two or three hours.”

“Wasn’t me,” Kevin shrugged it off.

“You guys told me to eat,” Andrew twirled his racquet.

“I told you to slow down,” Kevin reminded him.

This time Andrew shrugged and went to join the others in their laps.

“Start running,” Wymack directed at Nicky and Aaron. He waited for them to leave. He kept his eyes on Andrew but asked Kevin, “What do you think about him playing tonight?”

“He’ll be fine. Only let him play the first quarter. Maybe the last quarter, too.”

Wymack didn’t ask but Kevin told him anyway, “Neil can still barely stand without help. Throwing a ball leaves him breathless.”

He pursed his lips. “Abby said he asked her to order food for Andrew yesterday.” It wasn’t quite a statement but it wasn’t a question either.

“He ate some rice and chicken. Andrew ate two and a half plates of everything else.”

“I saw.”

Kevin left him and started jogging around the court. The others had already finished their laps and were stretching.

* * *

 

After practice, Andrew picked Neil up from Reddin and drove him to Abby’s house. Wymack was waiting with her on the porch.

Abby looped an arm through Neil’s and guided him to the dining room table. He heard Wymack stop Andrew from leaving and they all sat down to eat breakfast together.

Toast and oatmeal.

Andrew lifted his spoon and watched the mush drop back into his bowl. He covered the top with sugar then started eating.

“Eat.” Wymack commanded and Neil nibbled at his toast.

He drained a cup of coffee before telling them, “I talked to your professors. You both have the next week to catch up on the work you missed. That means extra hours with tutors this week. Andrew can’t miss any classes. Tell me you hear me.”

Andrew looked up momentarily from tearing his toast to shreds. “Can’t miss any classes.”

“I got your work from last week and this week from your professors.” He turned to Neil. “I’ll give you the rest of the weekend but starting Monday you need to start getting back into things. There’re only so many exceptions that can be made. I made schedules for both of you and you need to follow them to get back on track.”

Andrew glanced at his, then crumpled it up. He probably already had it memorized.

Wymack glanced at his watch and took another gulp of coffee. “I have to get back to campus. Andrew, meet the rest of the team at the usual time. You’ll play the first quarter. Then I’ll decide if you get anymore playing time.”

* * *

 


End file.
